Was it all just one big mistake? Were the past five years of her life one not-so-glorious situation-normal-all-fouled-up? Had the decision to buy a 41-foot diesel pusher motorhome and travel full-time for a year or two or five or been the worst of her life?

Such angst coming from an ex-type A. The young girl who believed her parents when they said she could do whatever she put her mind to. The teenage girl who told her fellow McDonald’s crew members only a little in jest, “I thought I made a mistake once but I was wrong.” The young woman who at 27 held a bottle of Korbel high as she graduated from college summa cum laude, point-oh-three points shy of a perfect four-point-oh, and in three years too by the way. Eyes bright as she looked east towards Washington, D.C.

She’d always wanted to go to Georgetown and she usually got what she wanted. “Because you worked for it, honey,” she heard Mom’s voice in her ear. “And because you’re smart,” Dad added, “I don’t know how you knew what you did.” And Dad had a Ph.D. in electrical engineering from Loyola University. And everyone knew that electrical engineers were the smartest of them all.

Yeh, she was so smart.

Her plans started falling apart after graduate school. She wanted to be a spy but flunked the CIA’s psychological exam — too empathetic the penciled-in ovals concluded. Then she interviewed for the Foreign Service to be a diplomat but wasn’t good at game playing. None of that mattered now, almost 30 years down the road.

What did matter now was that the woman — never married, no children, just a dog but an awesome one at that — decided to start from scratch at age 51. Was she insane? Why did she chuck it all — a comfortable life pieced together over twenty-five years, a handful of close friends, a job if not at the top of her field then close?

“I have no choice,” she told her friends and co-workers as she methodically disassembled a predictable old life to create the foundation of an unknown new, “It’s either do this or die a slow death.” And she meant it.

And so she did what she did best. Put her head down, researched, planned. Finding the Newmar Dutch Star motorhome near Dallas; buying and paying off a Honda CR-V to tow behind; learning all she could about living on the road as a full-time RVer. The hardest part was selling her hobbit home in the Reston woods, her refuge.

Yeh, and then she had a plan. Her brilliant plan: No plan.  Nope.  No plan. Let’s see how that works out. And you said she was smart? Ha!

Life hasn’t turned out quite the way she expected, definitely not how the she at 16, 27, or 51 thought it would. She thought she’d be happy by now, or at least happier than she is.  She thought she’d be at peace.

She was mistaken.

Or was she?

You tell me,  I mean “her.” You tell “her.”  (Not fishing or anything here but actually I am.)

I am

I am the white knight I seek.
No damsel in distress I.
No fairy tale endings or beginnings nigh.

I am the tall handsome cowboy, scuffed boots, tough tender hands.
Giddy up y’all.
Save a horse and all that jazz.

I am my guardian angel.
Golden-winged, ever-powerful, watchful soft eyes.
Angels all we.
I have no monopoly.

I am my happily-ever-after.
I am the answer to all my dreams.
I am the with all, be all, end all.
I am the One I seek and the One I seek is I.

Pump up the volume.

Thy Will Be Done

30 September 2017
Mesilla Valley Hospital
Las Cruces, New Mexico

Dear God,

Please help me find my way.

Please help me see a bright and beautiful future filled with Your Love.

Please help me be a beacon of Your Love and spread It wherever Roan and I go.

Please give me hope, purpose, and a vision of a world filled with Your Love.

Please support and love me all the days of my Life.

Please be with me always.

Please Love me always.

Please help me always.

Please and thank you.

Thy Will Be Done.

With Love and Thanks, I AM,

Elizabeth Carmel

Dear God

11 September 2017 – 8:18 PM

Dear God, Divine Mother/Father/Son as One. Please hear my prayer.

Please heal me in all ways. I am imperfect and am sorry for all the mistakes I have made and will continue to make. I am heartfully sorry. I know nothing. I have been arrogant and judgmental. I bow before Thee and trust that You will heal all my many afflictions. Please and thank you.

Mother Mary with me at the Mayo Clinic, 9 September 2017
Mother Mary with me at the Mayo Clinic, 9 September 2017.  This statue is from Rome, Italy.  I retrieved it from my parents’ home during the estate sale.

Dear Mother Mary — Divine Mother — Please cradle me as a child in your Arms and Heart. Please support me and Love me no matter what. Please watch over me. Please do not abandon me. I am a small, scared child. Please comfort me.

I have made many mistakes. I know that I do not know. Please make not knowing OK to me. I do not need to know. I do not want to know. Please only show me the next step on my path of service to You and to ALL.

Please fill my heart with Your Love so that I am not afraid.

Please give me Your Peace.

Please always be with me.

Please Angels — Please Angels walk with me. Please help me find the way. Please help me find the best way I can to serve You and All Humanity and Mother Earth and ALL.

Please make my mind calm and empty and at peace and content with Your Will.

Please wipe my tears away and the tears of all who suffer. Please comfort those who suffer, me included because I am suffering. Please lift this burden off my Heart. Please show me Thy Mercy and Forgiveness for I have sinned a lot in my pride.

I know nothing.
I am nothing except Your Divine Creation.
Please help me serve You in LOVE.
Thy Will be done.

Please help me be a better person.
Please heal me.
Please heal me.
Please heal me.
You know best what I need and I trust You implicitly.

Please help me stand in LOVE and be not afraid even when I’m in pain.

Please take the pain from me if that is for The Highest Good.

I am here to serve You. Please help me when I am weak and falter. Please help this poor, weak one. I need help. I am not all powerful. You Are. I am an imperfect Being who needs Your Divine Help. I am not perfect. I am cracked and broken. Please help me put the pieces back together. Please heal my Heart, my Head, my Soul, my Body — all that I AM.

Please and thank you.

I have fallen.
Please help me.
Please pick me up, dust me off, and put me back on the road.

Please help me Serve You.

Please envelop me in Your Love and Forgiveness so that I may forgive and love myself and others.

Please heal my broken heart if that is Your Will. If not, please give me the strength to prevail.

Please give me Peace now and always. Please give me Peace. Your Peace.

With Love and Thanks, I AM your Humble Servant,

Elizabeth Carmel Xavier Battocletti