Dear God, Divine Mother/Father/Son as One. Please hear my prayer.
Please heal me in all ways. I am imperfect and am sorry for all the mistakes I have made and will continue to make. I am heartfully sorry. I know nothing. I have been arrogant and judgmental. I bow before Thee and trust that You will heal all my many afflictions. Please and thank you.
Dear Mother Mary — Divine Mother — Please cradle me as a child in your Arms and Heart. Please support me and Love me no matter what. Please watch over me. Please do not abandon me. I am a small, scared child. Please comfort me.
I have made many mistakes. I know that I do not know. Please make not knowing OK to me. I do not need to know. I do not want to know. Please only show me the next step on my path of service to You and to ALL.
Please fill my heart with Your Love so that I am not afraid.
Please give me Your Peace.
Please always be with me.
Please Angels — Please Angels walk with me. Please help me find the way. Please help me find the best way I can to serve You and All Humanity and Mother Earth and ALL.
Please make my mind calm and empty and at peace and content with Your Will.
Please wipe my tears away and the tears of all who suffer. Please comfort those who suffer, me included because I am suffering. Please lift this burden off my Heart. Please show me Thy Mercy and Forgiveness for I have sinned a lot in my pride.
I know nothing.
I am nothing except Your Divine Creation.
Please help me serve You in LOVE.
Thy Will be done.
Please help me be a better person.
Please heal me.
Please heal me.
Please heal me.
You know best what I need and I trust You implicitly.
Please help me stand in LOVE and be not afraid even when I’m in pain.
Please take the pain from me if that is for The Highest Good.
I am here to serve You. Please help me when I am weak and falter. Please help this poor, weak one. I need help. I am not all powerful. You Are. I am an imperfect Being who needs Your Divine Help. I am not perfect. I am cracked and broken. Please help me put the pieces back together. Please heal my Heart, my Head, my Soul, my Body — all that I AM.
Please and thank you.
I have fallen.
Please help me.
Please pick me up, dust me off, and put me back on the road.
Please help me Serve You.
Please envelop me in Your Love and Forgiveness so that I may forgive and love myself and others.
Please heal my broken heart if that is Your Will. If not, please give me the strength to prevail.
Please give me Peace now and always. Please give me Peace. Your Peace.
The Head begs to differ and not at all respectfully.
The Heart says: Let’s stay. We can be happy here.
The Head says: Let’s keep moving. There’s more around the next corner. There’s gotta be.
The Heart says: Let’s put down roots and call this place “home.”
The Head says: Are you crazy? Commit? Why on Earth would you want to settle here of all places? We’re rolling stones, remember? Just look down. See the wheels? Wheels are made for rolling.
The Heart says: I’m tired of rolling. I just want to stay put for a while. We can still wheel along, just in smaller doses.
The Head says: But we can’t afford it, remember? We’re poor, remember? No cash flow, remember?
But the Heart says: We have more than enough and you know it. And the cash flow will come. We’re building our future, a piece at a time.
But the Head says: I want our future built right now! I want to know how everything will turn out right now! I want! I want!! I want!!! Wah!!!
And the Heart says: Calm down dear Head. This is what I want — no — this is what we need. And you know it.
Head: But what if we fall?
Heart: But what if we fly?
Head: But what if we’re wrong?
Heart: But what if we’re right?
The Head says: I’m afraid.
The Heart says: Come here so I can give you a big hug. Believe in The Love.
The Head says, bowing to the Heart: I believe in The Love. Let’s do this.
And then the Soul chimes in, throwing a monkey wrench into the mix:
Well, I want to fly, to be free and unencumbered, to come and go at will. No ties, no commitments, no nada. I want to be able to move at a moment’s notice — anytime, day or night. Now you see me, now you don’t. That’s what I want so deal with it.
The Head and Heart look at each other, not at all pleased with Soul’s intrusion. They thought they had this all figured out but now what?
Like a lingering summer cold you just can’t seem to shake, I’m back. Condolences or congratulations? Your pick.
You knew I couldn’t be quiet for long. I have way too much to say (“Know it all”). Maybe it comes from living alone and spending a lot of time in contemplation. Or, maybe it’s because I’m a writer and — hey! — writers have to write. Whatever the cause or curse, again your pick, I’m back. I’ll try not to bore you with my ramblings.
I originally posted the poem, “I’m tired,” (see below) in late June — before Pegasus went quiet — but deleted it because I didn’t want to spread negativity. I am re-posting it now in the interests of completeness and honesty.
While in Mesilla Valley Hospital — a locked psychiatric hospital — from 27 July to 3 August, I drew an addendum to the poem:
I’m tired of everything.
I’m tired of grocery shopping at Walmart.
I’m tired of cleaning.
I’m tired of working on my book. It’s too hard and what difference does it make anyway? None.
I’m tired of doing art. It’s lost its play.
I’m tired of driving. The thought of going anywhere exhausts me to tears.
I’m tired of summer in the high desert. Tired of the heat, tired of the wind.
I’m tired of living a life wide open.
I’m tired of infinite possibilities.
I’m tired of not knowing.
I’m really tired of being alone.
Over 50 years of being alone.
I’m tired of planning a future alone. What future exactly?
Five years on the road. I thought I finally found what I was looking for — a home in a place, a home in a purpose, a home in a man. I was wrong. Now it’s back to the beginning and I’m fucking tired of going back to the beginning.
An uncertain future alone.
I’m not tired of drinking wine or margaritas.
Pour me another please.
Counting down the days until.
P.S. – Lest you worry about my mental state Dear Reader, please don’t. As many have said, “This too shall pass.” I just wish that it passes tout de suite.