Going around in spirals

Dearest Reader:

Like a lingering summer cold you just can’t seem to shake, I’m back.  Condolences or congratulations?  Your pick.

You knew I couldn’t be quiet for long.  I have way too much to say (“Know it all”).  Maybe it comes from living alone and spending a lot of time in contemplation.  Or, maybe it’s because I’m a writer and — hey! — writers have to write. Whatever the cause or curse, again your pick, I’m back.  I’ll try not to bore you with my ramblings.

I originally posted the poem, “I’m tired,” (see below) in late June — before Pegasus went quiet — but deleted it because I didn’t want to spread negativity. I am re-posting it now in the interests of completeness and honesty.

While in Mesilla Valley Hospital — a locked psychiatric hospital — from 27 July to 3 August, I drew an addendum to the poem:

Going around in spirals

 


I’m tired

I’m tired.

I’m tired of everything.

I’m tired of grocery shopping at Walmart.

I’m tired of cleaning.

I’m tired of working on my book. It’s too hard and what difference does it make anyway? None.

I’m tired of doing art. It’s lost its play.

I’m tired of driving. The thought of going anywhere exhausts me to tears.

I’m tired of summer in the high desert. Tired of the heat, tired of the wind.

I’m tired of living a life wide open.
I’m tired of infinite possibilities.
I’m tired of not knowing.

I’m really tired of being alone.
Over 50 years of being alone.
I’m tired of planning a future alone. What future exactly?

Five years on the road. I thought I finally found what I was looking for — a home in a place, a home in a purpose, a home in a man. I was wrong. Now it’s back to the beginning and I’m fucking tired of going back to the beginning.

An uncertain future alone.

I’m not tired of drinking wine or margaritas.

Pour me another please.

Counting down the days until.

P.S. – Lest you worry about my mental state Dear Reader, please don’t. As many have said, “This too shall pass.” I just wish that it passes tout de suite.

7 thoughts on “Going around in spirals”

  1. Hello Liz, I have the card you gave me where I can see it everyday. I read your latest posting and I can sympathize with your frustrations, all us humans have them. Recently I had a double whammy surgery, left inguinal and a Pilonidal cyst removal so I’ve been staying inside the RV more and I decided to visit your website. Recovery has been slow and frustrating, I want to get back to business! How is Roan? What a great dog! I hope to see you two again this winter, I plan to visit Slab City. I have a friend I can confide in and he always listens, that friend is Jesus. He can be your friend too. He speaks to me in His Word The Bible, He says in Matthew 11:28-30

    “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

    Lean on Jesus! He is there for you Liz when no one else can be!

    Liz you can call or text me anytime @ 575-***-****

  2. Not to edit, Liz but it should read, “with love and thanks”, not “with love and thank”. Not one of your better blogs. I thought you were a little more private about things. It is out there now. Again, concerned about your choices but hey it’s your life.

    With love and concern,

    Anne

  3. Hey Liz,

    Thanks for being so open, raw and honest. I hope you are feeling better and your spirituality is healing. I think it’s OK to take a break when we need to help and heal ourselves. Glad you are back writing. Lots of love to you and Roan! ❤️

  4. Hi Liz,
    Happy to see your post, wondering where is….

    I read your tired list, I do all those things and love each one. It is a joy to wake up in a Walmart parking lot take a hike around the store , inside or outside, do todays food shopping and be on the road again. So much looking forward to it after a summer on the farm.

    Lots of lawn mowing here, sawing up branches and trees after storms, work on the RV, TV mounts that will also be a 32 inch hidef monitor, new higher antenna and cell phone (all signals) amplifier, removed about a mile of wire for the ford 460 (not needed for the Cummins 6BT), fixed the KDP (ask Harlan) and other chores, all work but all fun also.

    For real fun twice in the Kayak, once lake Winona (to learn), once on the Root River (Lanesboro to Whalan), that was work and fun, avoid the big rocks and do not get sideways ! Maybe time for a bike on the trail before I go. Mot much motorcycle time, saving that for winter.

    Will be on the road west sometime in Oct. Monroe UT first hot springs stop in Meadows and the free one near Monroe. Then to Goldfield, Mammoth and Bishop for three weeks or more for a dozen of my favorite hot springs. It is the chat really. Sitting in Wild Willies near Mammoth talking with two couples from Poland and a couple from Russia (M) and China (F) when four girls arrive, three from AU one from NZ. My place is to listen or point them in an interesting direction at a space in the conversation. Highlite of my year.

    Be arriving Slab City about November. See you at happy hour, hope Todd brings more halibut this year.
    Cheers,
    Peter

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